You have not danced
so badly, my dear,
trying to hold hands with the Beautiful One.
To you Lovers of Love,
How many of you have had your life ripped apart by a broken relationship, addiction, abuse, an attack, an earth-shattering betrayal, or a chronic illness?
Yes, me too.
The lives many of us have lived have created a serious trust deficit in others and in Life, but most importantly in ourselves.
And I ask you, “At what cost?”
Your clarity? Your truth? Your creativity? Your peace of mind? The freedom to live YOUR Life Plan? To know True Love?
I am grateful for the relationship I have with Chris, an incredibly kind and conscious man, but my lack of self-trust kept us apart for many months after we first met.
I had given some of my power away to an old story that I couldn’t be trusted in choosing a romantic partner and then gave some more of my power away to people whom I believed could and would make those decisions for me.
Why did I do that?
Truthfully, I never reflected on the fact that I had given my power away in the first place until I felt the constriction of not feeling like I was in choice.
Maybe I believed I needed the strong boundaries imposed by following another person’s rules and someone else’s vision for my life. Possibly I wanted someone to point to or to blame if the choices I made did not turn out how I envisioned. Most definitely I was scared that I might feel the pain of choosing wrongly.
So how do we repair and rebuild trust when it has been broken? How do we know someone is trustworthy? How do we know when it is time to trust ourselves again?
I myself have struggled with these questions—perhaps more than any others I’ve asked.
Maybe you have too.
In our innocence and in our desire to form meaningful connections and to feel enveloped in love, we place our trust in others and then inevitably that trust is broken as we are imperfect in how we are human.
The emotional and psychological scars run deep, so we question our own powers of discernment. We chide ourselves because we should have known better. We should have been smarter.
Better, the scared voice says, to default to playing small in love rather than conceiving that Higher Love could be the life force, the guiding force, running through our veins and fueling our inner GPS.
When Chris and I met, we loved each other quickly. Our first three meetings had left me with the absolute knowing that I wanted this person in my life for the rest of my life. However, I was afraid because the feelings for him had come that quickly and run so deeply.
Conveniently as life lessons go, I had set it up so that some people who I allowed influence in my life decisions would also think this relationship was moving too fast and in their opinion was not for my highest good.
I went back and forth with whether or not I should have Chris in my life, angry at myself (and at God if I was honest about my projections) that I was in this position of loving someone but too afraid to take a risk, concerned that the costs of being wrong would be too much this time.
In some of these heated conversations with God, I reminded myself that I had spent two years with no romantic relationship at all, searching for answers about who I was and how I wanted to love and be loved in return. By no longer sweeping the limiting programs under the rug of no-looking back, I had indeed started to trust myself–slowly.
Absolutely I had chosen partners in past relationships who were not an ideal match, but I learned through waves of self-awareness and self-forgiveness that held me in a deep ocean of compassion those relationships were ideal in what they taught me–and I taught them.
While a large part of me was in conflict about what to do with this glorious human being who had walked into my life, this Wiser part knew that even if I was making a mistake, then let it be a big one to expose where any other false programs disguised as love lay. I was done playing small.
I would rather risk loving again than risk not knowing what it would be like to trust in the possibility of the kindest of love and the sweetest of truths this time around.
Once I consciously committed to this Higher plan of Wiser and Larger love, I experienced a profound sense of liberation.
I broke up with my relationship history, the limiting mindset I had, and the path I’d been walking that had become too narrow and too fear-based so I could make way for greater love on the path of a romantic relationship.
I trusted that I’d been given the opportunity to break down some walls, so I can intimately love another human being who wants to break down his walls too.
Not only did Chris and I work through what we needed to so we could come together and love, respect and support one another in partnership, I learned to trust that I could make decisions based on what MY body wisdom, MY inner sight, MY inner hearing and MY inner knowing had to say.
Trusting ourselves is one of the greatest gifts I think we humans can ever experience in this lifetime.
Of course, some of the fear-based programs return and old stories resurface because I’m human. However, I know I’m in good hands because I’ve surrendered to knowing and living the truth about love.
How about you?
Love Letter #17
July 6, 2017