True confessions
When I was 15, my stepfather noticed a rather large lump on my throat during one of our Sunday family breakfasts. Over the next few months, I would be diagnosed with Graves’ disease, an immune system disorder that causes an overactive thyroid. My specialist told me my thyroid was self-destructing and to take matters into our own hands, we would destroy this tiny yet powerful butterfly-shaped gland by drinking a healthy dose of radioactive iodine. Since that time, I have taken a little pill every day to produce the hormones that my thyroid cannot.

The physical symptoms alleviated, it wasn’t until twenty years later that the little pill stopped doing its job and began to malfunction. With no explanation or solution from the specialist, I had to look for other reasons that my thyroid was trying to raise the white flag once again.

Fortunately my path already set afire in the exploration of a miraculous, multi-dimensional universe led me to studying the human energy system. I started with the chakras, those beautiful spinning vortexes of so much loving information important to our well-being. Early on, I read what authors such as Louise Hay (You Can Heal Your Life), Carolyn Myss (Anatomy of the Spirit) and Dr. Christiane Northrup (Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom) had learned about the emotional and psychological patterns that affect these energy centers and potentially our health if the energy is restricted or imbalanced. When I read about the areas affected by a short-circuiting fifth chakra, I felt a light switch on, illuminating an aspect of my life purpose.

The seven primary chakras connect to specific hormones, nerves and emotions and when we experience chronic stress over unresolved issues around past relationships and experiences, physical conditions can manifest in the areas related to the physical and energetic areas a particular chakra governs. When I read Myss’s description that the fifth chakra, situated in the throat area, relates to issues around communication (expressing and listening) and may result in thyroid dysfunction, I knew that my thyroid was telling me—just as it did when I was 15—the need to express my truth.

You see, by the time I was 15, I had become the keeper of many secrets in my family and instead of sharing them with anyone, I had consciously decided in Grade Six, I would be the smart girl, the good girl, the nice girl who would love and be loved on a big scale. I wouldn’t be the one who rocked any boat no matter how high the waves were because that’s not what the perfect girl does. However, at 15, my thyroid refused to go along for the ride any longer. Now 20 years later, it was no small coincidence that my thyroid once again had started sending flares off the bow, at a time I was reluctant to leave a long-term relationship and a long-loved career to move towards a radically different type of partnership and career path where I would be honoring how I longed to express myself.

But I had to deal with the issue of truth-telling. Being someone people confided in from a very young age, I just assumed the role of a secret keeper. I would eventually embrace what a gift it was to give someone the space to reveal a confidence and not worry about being judged, but I rarely gave myself that same permission, however, and the damaging effects of not sharing as often and as deeply as my soul wanted silently simmered in my body. Failing to express myself or even clearing the psychological and emotional debris of experience after experience left an energetic imprint that at 15 years of age magnified to such a degree my thyroid could not function anymore. At 35, it was happening again with what little thyroid that was left.

And while I did address that relationship by eventually leaving it, I did find a more authentic way to serve in my career, and I did regulate my thyroid, moving through the obstacles to tell the truth has been an ongoing challenge for me.

Last year, I was given the opportunity to deep dive into just where I was in regards to courageous self-expression when I was forced to respond to some claims that, in essence, were around my commitment to truth. Gratefully, at the time these claims were alleged, I was attending a weekend retreat that gave me the space to see that in some key areas in my own lover evolution, I was still keeping secrets, still not expressing my needs, still refusing to voice and stand for my truth. And I saw how each decision to speak or not speak came down to fear—a fear of being judged, of losing relationships, of not measuring up, of being hurt and ultimately of not being loved. I found freedom being able to admit that part of me was afraid and from that place compassion swept in and a new paradigm of truth-speaking and truth-loving broke through:

As long as I tell the truth (my truth), I am going to be okay. 

I recognize that I will be constantly given experiences that push me to express myself in this commitment. For this reason, I still work with the resistance in me that would prevent me from telling my story, especially if saying or writing something will hurt someone. I have also had to work through fears of speaking my truth to my partner, my friends and my family as I know that I will come face-to-face with the truth that they may not be able to give me what I need. There’s a part of me that wants to say, “Why bother making myself vulnerable when I can just love and take care of myself anyway?”

Perhaps you can relate. It is times like these when I am grateful for the tools and the processes I have learned to transform my personality into a higher frequency, grounding it in a much stronger current—the force and the power of truth and love.

I know my story is not unique. We have all had challenging and even traumatic life experiences, yet I believe we have had them for a very important reason. My belief is that when the time comes to speak our truth to those who need to hear it, we will know our worth and our value separate from those experiences, allowing us to communicate the learning with brave authenticity and loving power. We will have learned to feel truth so deeply in our bodies that when we are confronted with a lie or even someone else’s truth that doesn’t resonate with our own, we can make that call and take the right action ignited by our own loving consciousness.

What used to feel like a suffocating burden growing up as a keeper of secrets has become a blessing in the way I relationship as a teacher, a friend, a mentor, a sister, an intuitive practitioner, a daughter and a lover. I know what it is to feel the scorch of the secret and the lie, so you might imagine the gratitude I have nowadays as my preference and my reality is to be lit up by the ecstasy of talking with you about what sets your hearts afire and how you are lighting up the world with your truth in how you live and love in this lifetime.

Truthfully yours,
Jenn

Love Letter #8
June 1, 2016

The image was originally found at http://www.deniselinn.com/Chakra-Portal-5.html

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